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I had a dream this morning in which Sesshomaru had wings and kidnapped me, though I was Kagome for a bit and didn't I look hott in my sailor outfit, and he was a total jerk as she would say. Only he was sentenced to death or had to sacrifice himself or was about to go fight and probably die (details are unclear) and we apparently had sex. I say apparently as even my pervy subconcious couldn't visualize an animated dog demon with wings whom I have always read as gay, fucking/making love to/bopping Kago/me. Then he went off and gave me an egg *disturbed by fertility imagery*. And it was very sad. Only then there were hints he was coming back (to me, sob sob, weep delicately). Then I woke up.
Still disturbed by that egg. Still disturbed by whole thing but especially that egg.
In less gross news, anyone wondering where I've been or why I've been quiet. Simple explanation is a serious fit of depression that left me quite cranky and mopey and apathetic. As depression has been known to do. Also, my mother had an operation (minor) but which required me to care for her for a while. I haven't written anything either, which generally makes the depression worse (and the dreams weirder, come to think of it) and I need to babble about it and talk therapy is free. So if I link at the bottom there's no need to read or respond. Just me talky-talky.
Also, I am a badger. hahaha. Too funny. Though, like Stewie, I like the sound of snake. ssssnake.
Basically it all breaks down to the usual. I hate my life, being single with all of my friends but one paired up and/or married so I can't really go out and do stupid singles things anymore, but then I feel odd woman out when I do hang out with them. I hate where I live right now and having no money. I hate that I have two jobs and neither is fun, neither pays well, neither offers challenges or go places. I don't want a boyfriendm (leave me the hell alone), but people with SO's can definitely save money living together and take trips together etc. And if not a bf, then I definitely need a fuckbuddy or something, cuz damn. I don't especially feel like I have anyone to connect with intellectually either, now that I'm out of school. With my married/paired up friends off taking care of family things, my interests seem pointless. There's no point in babbling about anime when someone is trying to consider their next house payment. There's just all this frustration just building up and building up. And while a nice psychotic breakdown sounds really fun right now, it also wouldn't be too good for my family. (It's not like I have healthcare. yay!America). And I realize my friends have lives and I don't, and that slash is fun, but silly to most people, but it's all I got right now. You'd think someone would express a little interest. I don't expect my friends to read my shit, but they could at least ask about it occasionally. Or call once in a while without prompting. Show that I'm worth a little effort. They used to think so. I think. Before they were adults I suppose. So very grown up.
Or maybe they never did. Or maybe I'm just supposed to have a life too. Do couples and babies and houses and in laws = a life after a certain age? It's not as though I haven't been looking for a new job or new interests. I just don't see why, if I listen to them complain about mama-in-law, and getting the housepainting done correctly, and problems with their younger sister's need for a psychiatrist, then they should be willing to listen to how I need a raise. Or how I saved and bought a new computer in order to contribute to the world of slash and manporn. Or how I discovered some new fandom that I find fascinating.
And why is it whenever I express an idea I think is obvious, or just present something for the sake of argument based on an article I read or a news story I saw, why is the reaction from coworkers, customers, friends, relatives, that I am a total freak for even thinking that? I feel like a freak most of the time anyway, to paraphrase Bridget Jones. I don't need it emphasized.
I had this urge all week to get a tattoo or get wasted at a bar by myself and do something incredibly self-destructive. But alas, I didn't.
That's all. Hmmm. I guess that's it for now. Thinking about it too much, I'm sure. Just a psycho freak who needs to grow up.
Still disturbed by that egg. Still disturbed by whole thing but especially that egg.
In less gross news, anyone wondering where I've been or why I've been quiet. Simple explanation is a serious fit of depression that left me quite cranky and mopey and apathetic. As depression has been known to do. Also, my mother had an operation (minor) but which required me to care for her for a while. I haven't written anything either, which generally makes the depression worse (and the dreams weirder, come to think of it) and I need to babble about it and talk therapy is free. So if I link at the bottom there's no need to read or respond. Just me talky-talky.
Also, I am a badger. hahaha. Too funny. Though, like Stewie, I like the sound of snake. ssssnake.
Basically it all breaks down to the usual. I hate my life, being single with all of my friends but one paired up and/or married so I can't really go out and do stupid singles things anymore, but then I feel odd woman out when I do hang out with them. I hate where I live right now and having no money. I hate that I have two jobs and neither is fun, neither pays well, neither offers challenges or go places. I don't want a boyfriendm (leave me the hell alone), but people with SO's can definitely save money living together and take trips together etc. And if not a bf, then I definitely need a fuckbuddy or something, cuz damn. I don't especially feel like I have anyone to connect with intellectually either, now that I'm out of school. With my married/paired up friends off taking care of family things, my interests seem pointless. There's no point in babbling about anime when someone is trying to consider their next house payment. There's just all this frustration just building up and building up. And while a nice psychotic breakdown sounds really fun right now, it also wouldn't be too good for my family. (It's not like I have healthcare. yay!America). And I realize my friends have lives and I don't, and that slash is fun, but silly to most people, but it's all I got right now. You'd think someone would express a little interest. I don't expect my friends to read my shit, but they could at least ask about it occasionally. Or call once in a while without prompting. Show that I'm worth a little effort. They used to think so. I think. Before they were adults I suppose. So very grown up.
Or maybe they never did. Or maybe I'm just supposed to have a life too. Do couples and babies and houses and in laws = a life after a certain age? It's not as though I haven't been looking for a new job or new interests. I just don't see why, if I listen to them complain about mama-in-law, and getting the housepainting done correctly, and problems with their younger sister's need for a psychiatrist, then they should be willing to listen to how I need a raise. Or how I saved and bought a new computer in order to contribute to the world of slash and manporn. Or how I discovered some new fandom that I find fascinating.
And why is it whenever I express an idea I think is obvious, or just present something for the sake of argument based on an article I read or a news story I saw, why is the reaction from coworkers, customers, friends, relatives, that I am a total freak for even thinking that? I feel like a freak most of the time anyway, to paraphrase Bridget Jones. I don't need it emphasized.
I had this urge all week to get a tattoo or get wasted at a bar by myself and do something incredibly self-destructive. But alas, I didn't.
That's all. Hmmm. I guess that's it for now. Thinking about it too much, I'm sure. Just a psycho freak who needs to grow up.
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Those might be my issues and they're not their issues but we meet in the middle because most of my frustration is about not having choice and so is theirs. They live in crappy apartments because being single it's what they can afford. I live in a nice neighborhood (albeit crappy house) and my husband is a corporate slave so that we can live there. Frustrations may be different but it's all about not have choice. Or at least feeling like you're not having choice. That frustration is the same.
I don't think getting married doesn't mean you can't listen. Or being single doesn't mean you can't listen. Also, it's not about growing up. Why is being frustrated with shitty jobs and living in a shitty place be a sign of immaturity?
And while being married means less opportunity to do crazy single stuff, don't assume that that you're married friends don't want to NOT do crazy single stuff. They might still. Ask them. They might be dying for a night out on the town to escape from all that "oneness."
Probably not helping but am sorry you're blue because I'm just pulling out of a major blue thing myself. And I can relate.