this must be the place

The weird thing about forcing yourself (to actually be somewhat disciplined) to write (almost) everyday is that if you take a break from it, you instantly feel reluctant to dive back in, in fact you get pretty consumed by laziness all around. And by you I mean me, of course. :)

Actually, that's not even the weirdest thing. The weirdest thing is how out of control it makes me feel pressing forward without stopping to really edit anything, although I've noticed a general decline in control in my stories for several years now. Starting with the very short, tightly written stories I used to do to the giant, rambling epics I seem to write now, things have gotten a lot looser, and I'm not sure I'm entirely a fan of that. On one hand the characters are important, on the other, they shouldn't be telling me what to do all the time.

(Though perhaps my writing hasn't really changed all that much, but my life has, and the sense of being out of control is just a reflection of that stress. And blah blah, control is an illusion blah blah. In real life it is. In a story I don't know that it should be. But then I've often had the sense in general that my fiction is just...weird...all the way around. Not especially good or bad...just...different. I've had more than one remark that my style--whatever it may be--takes some getting used to. So...where was I going with that? Rambling again...)

But speaking of writing, the urge to keep going is, at the same time, very strong. I want this bitch out of my head and I want it out now, and my pace, faster than usual yes, is still somehow too slow. And at the same time there's this vague sense that I'm writing, if not crap, then not my best, because of how fast I'm going. But if I stop for too long, I'm not going to want to keep going, for I am chubby, lazy monster when I want to be.

And, why yes, this was supposed to fun for me. A fun little project, and in a way, it is. For I was raised Catholic and apparently thrive on anguish. :P In fact, I'm sure a lot of writers fret and flail this much. (Except of course, that they are writing like...art) The fretting and flailing is probably part of the process I just wish I was a little farther along in the process.

(Or should I mention that I have a milestone b-day approaching and am having a general "my life sucks" "I've accomplished nothing" etc etc freak out and that perhaps getting this bitch out of me is connected to that, even though it's hardly the Great American Novel? But honestly, have you ever had people and their histories--and futures--in your head for a long period of time? It's maddening. Something happens and all you can think is, "I wonder what Charlie or Rene would say if he saw that?" grrrr)

So um...spend a whole day reading through Vanity Fair and then have a Cabaret day? Or just mess around on Youtube and at least do notes for another scene?








cross posted from dreamwidth

A meme snagged from cerebel:

Post the first line from your 25 most recent fanfics and try to find a pattern.

I don't know that I've written 25, but here goes. I bet they are all as long as hell. Because I babble. This excludes unfinished fic and most of my original stuff. Follow the random song lyric...

( cuz earl had to die )

Here's what I noticed. I've been experimenting with voice and tense, which is good. But there is some passive voice in there, which is bad. Also I tend not to do the exciting awesome hook beginnings. I mostly build slowly (too slowly) toward the end.

So I was ranting to Kittie to leave me alone about writing ideas because I don't have time, which, yeah, is a little true, but it's not all true. (Like being mostly dead, I suppose) I have a small amount of time and a great desire to write something, but I feel sort of...aimless.

I have several (hundred) WIPs in need of finishing. But lately, when I look at my writing, when I think about it, I feel like they've all lost their focus. Or I have. By which I mean, I used to write short stories, and pretty tightly structured ones. Or maybe they were just simple, I don't know. Now it feels like I can't stop babbling in what few stories I write and instead of following a clear narrative they're just...a collection of random images. And certain people write that way and I love it but I feel like it's not me. Or what I do. Or just..maybe it's a good thing. Maybe it's a sign of better writing, or more involved, or relaxed. But it's just feels...not as good at all to me. It feels worse. Less. Like someone else wrote it.

Or I'm just angsting over nothing. Or maybe I'm just flailing because I have no Rene anymore.

So...someone...last week (ponderosa121? tmelange?) was talking about pieces of fic that are so good that they pull you into a fandom and make you want to seek out everything else for that fandom, but then are so complete and so well-written that by the time you finish reading you are done with that fandom, because that fic was the be all and end all for that pairing/show/movie and is so beautiful that you don't want to ruin it with anything else.

Which is a beautiful, thoughtful sentiment, and the example given was Resonant's Higher Learning, which is an excellent example. And very true.

But that (combined with misskittie79's discussion of my 'voice' and my writing tendencies) made me think about my writing, specifically why I fuss and angst and kill myself with stress over short stories of *fanfiction*. And I think part of it is that for some reason I never think I'm going to write any more than one story for any one particular fandom, so with each story I feel all this pressure to say everything I want to say, and to make it close to perfect.

Not that my fanfic has ever reach the levels of something like Higher Learning, I just mean my brain for some reason must be aspiring to something like that. Nevermind that I usually end up writing several stories for a fandom and not just one. This is probably also why most of my porn is all symbolic and meaningful instead of just some sexin'.

These are things I must work on, I suppose. That's all. Strange thinky thoughts over for now. Back to boysinskirts.