*fails*

[rispacooper]

Chapter Six could have been better.

Chapter Five is just awkward and weird.

*sigh*

I use entirely too many adverbs and had this strange love of italics.

Comments

[pir8fancier.livejournal.com]

chapter five, which one is that? Which one is six?

[rispacooper.livejournal.com]

Chapter Five is Tortuga (or Tortuga BJ, as I call it) and Six is the big reunion on the docks.

[pir8fancier.livejournal.com]

How could I forget five? !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I loved five. Don't change a word (okay, maybe one or two).

Six is a little confusing, I admit. The relationship between James and Etienne seems murky. I think that could be fleshed out a lot more. I understand what you were trying to do, but their motivations are unclear. Initially, it seems like Etienne is gay, but then we realize that he's not, and it's only insane!Rene who thinks that Etienne is making moves on James. You present him as a fop, instead of vain, so I think you could beef that aspect up. Which brings up motivation problems, because if Etienne is not bent on seducing James, then what in the hell is he doing hanging out with a lowly clerk? You need to think about this carefully. You could easily fix this by having Sir Marvel insist that James keeps an eye on Etienne and force the friendship. And as Etienne gets to know James, he realizes that there is a lot more there than first appears. Etienne can be intrigued by James, and James can *think* Etienne is hitting on him, because James is a slut, because we need Etienne's motivations to be spelled out a little more clearly, IMO.

[rispacooper.livejournal.com]

Yeah I'm gonna have to think about Six. Especially in light of possible later Etienne-stories.

omg I love insane!Rene. He really does get crazier as the story progresses. I'm trying to pinpoint things and it's difficult. Like, when is the first moment a reader would view him sympathetically, when would they first start rooting for him and not for James (unless they are like Kittie, or me, and are instantly like, 'pin that fine ass to the desk, Rene!' right away. Like, you know, normal people), what is the first moment when you start realizing what Rene is really trying to do/express, and it's difficult since Rene doesn't even know.

Etienne doesn't either. Examning your motives is not a good survival technique. This might be part of the problem.

Etienne really does want James though, he just doesn't get it. I realized that too, just now.

*sigh*

[pir8fancier.livejournal.com]

Like, when is the first moment a reader would view him sympathetically, when would they first start rooting for him and not for James

The sympathy starts in four, which is, of course, where we have a dual role as both the reader and completely identify with James' POV. It is this chapter that we, like James, all of a sudden realize that someone like Rene is made, not born. Of course, James can't conceive of a world where God has abandoned you (and therefore neither can we), and because he feels sympathy for Rene, we do. And also because of the hot sex that ensues. But aside from the hot factor, this is the first chapter where Rene is obviously physically vulnerable to James.

In chapter five Rene's vulnerability was screaming at me (which is why you don't want to change it, IMO). This is the chapter where I realized that as much as Rene is clueless about how he feels about James, he absolutely loves him. Which is why the throwing of the coins is so heart-wrenching. So self-destructive, but of course he believes he's unlovable therefore...

So you need to set up something similar with Etienne. Possibly even add a chapter in here because Etienne really only serves as a vehicle to get James down to the port. I think you need some exchanges between them that don't pertain to Rene. If you have the two of them have their separate dynamic then you can explore these other nuances you're trying to get across. But at this point, Etienne acts as the spur to get Rene to jump James. Because he's so jealous. AND, of course, so INSANE!

[rispacooper.livejournal.com]

Four? That's interesting. (Though when I reread it yesterday, I had totally forgotten that James tries to kiss Rene here, and Rene freaks out. It's pretty awesome that it's there, though strange I forgot).

Hmmm Etienne's meaning...I don't really think of him as having meaning in Six...he was intended to be a Rene stand-in for James...and I wonder about him now. Because he will realize that later, what he represented to James, and never really trust that friendship, or any other, again. That makes him so tragic too. Aw. Hmm, Etienne trying to figure out who he is, in Jamaica, without Daddy, thinking James can guide him.

Perhaps the pirates too.

...ought to expand on that...

[paraxdisepink.livejournal.com]

well when you put your editing hat on, all you see is the mistakes - cuz you're sposed to. It had us in the zone when we were reading it :)

Most adverbs are unnecessary.

[rispacooper.livejournal.com]

i know, but i like my lines to flow in a certain strange rhythm, and so sometimes i use them.

and then sometimes i use them too much.