i think i've screwed up, badly in fact. doing a big...i want to say disservice but people don't actually use that word, do they? i mean, i do in my head, but i don't say that out loud...or type it for that matter. well i did now. in the world of fiction i use it. but not in real life. which is the point, my problem. i um...have cultivated a certain ditzy demeanor in the past few years, since leaving college actually. to the point where most people don't even think i'm capable of attending a college i think. and part of it was, i don't like bragging. it seems...immodest somehow to constantly refer to my college, or my grades in college. and also i know part of it was that i don't see any reason why a "smart" person can't also be interested in fashion, or a cute shade of eyeshadow. not all the time, just on occasion. and then i noticed, when i expressed an interest in that in public, i was almost instantly labeled, i could see the click in their eyes from their first assumption (glasses=nerd) to "shallow and vapid". so then, my nature being what it is, i would play up to that, thinking i suppose, in the back of my mind, that it would be interesting when they actually see me go into full geek mode.
only somehow either that never happened or that the vapid impression cancels out all other input, because while i think i am seen as being intelligent enough to do my job, the assumptions about me are that i am still primarily concerned with having a good time. how on earth i got portrayed as a party girl i don't know. to make it more confusing, for me anyway, is that at the same time, i have this heartless bitch image as well...to where a coworker actually expressed surprise that i have feelings. (that is not even an exaggaration).
and i know, i've talked about it before, the tendency in people to play down their intelligence to fit n, or to make their friends feel better. even if it means just pretending to take longer to reach a conclusion than it actually takes you, i think everyone has done it at some point. but it doesn't really make you fit in, even if it does grant you some 'normal' human contact. if you don't want to spend all your time conversing with dry boring ass snobs on your intellectual level or higher. but now i feel sort of stuck...between the two. aaahhh i don't even know if i can stop the ditziness now. its so ingrained. sometimes i can feel the more serious, hardcore part of me slipping away and its incredibly frightening. but when i was more concerned with thinking and learning, i knew less of people, and so i recognize the give and take here. nonetheless, its frightening. incredibly fucking frightening. don't ever let anyone tell you an identity crisis isn't a big deal. feeling it leaving me like that is so scary. makes me feel a bit like sherlock holmes, when he acknowledges why he never interacts with anyone but watson. that he even lets watson in is only proof of how lonely people can get.
hmm i geeked out in the middle of my problem. that's oddly comforting.
what started this was a discussion i had with pooky about men finding the way another man in slash *thinks* to be sexy. the same cannot be said of men with women. grrr. might also be part of my problem.
i need a drink. alas. i must go to work.
i'm just babbling by the way. no one needs to answer this in lj or email. :)